After thinking about fairness in the larger global scale and reflecting on my life, I realized that life is fair and God is good, even if it doesn't feel true in the moment.
During the years of my mom being sick I'd sometimes be so mad that I'm the one with the mom battling cancer, the one watching her best friend die. Though her death is devastating, it isn't unjust because we have a God of Righteousness, and Goodness and Love. It feels like my mom died way too young , but for 31 years I had an incredible mother, caregiver, travel companion and friend that I hope to be more like every day. I wouldn't trade that quality for quantity, ever.When I meet orphans in Africa who have never know their moms my life seems way more than equitable.
I could argue that it is not fair that my parents got divorced when I was nine. But as a result my mom, brother and I developed a unique, tightly woven family relationship that was wonderful growing up. It can seem impossible to find justice in our lives, but it's there if we just look hard enough. Just because life is fair doesn't mean it isn't heartbreaking. It is, but heartbreak without hope isn't a sustainable way to live.
I saw a man on the news several months back whose entire family was killed in a home robbery. After the guilty verdict, his words rang so true for me. He said that the hole in his heart will never heal, it will never go away. But that over time, the edges of the hole become less jagged. The hole though, it will remain forever. I agree with him. I'm just trying to learn how to live with that hole that goes through my heart and pierces my soul.
Tomorrow will be two year since she left this earth. I miss her now more than ever, I miss her completely every day. She would want me to live out loud with the resilience she instilled in me rather than live in sadness. I honor her though my earthly living since she no longer can, and await the day we are reunited in Heaven.
It seems appropriate to finish with words my mom wrote in 2003:
"Some days I find it ironic to be praying to live. I'm sure when I get to heaven I'll wonder why I wanted to delay the trip. But we're made of dust, and it's hard to shake the dust off our feet. I know that when I'm old and tired, or sick and tired, I'll be ready to leave this earth.
My desire is to hang around down here and be a grandmother several times over. So I'm praying for continued remission or healing or whatever it is I'm experiencing. If God says, "No," I will have to depend on Him to help me be strong and brave and surrender gracefully. I'm not worried about being dead; it is the dying part that scares me. Actually, I'm really hoping for the rapture. But whatever happens, I know I'll be okay.
I'm thankful that I'm learning to recognize that God's plans and mine haven't always coincided. My plans usually revolved around certain circumstances dealing with temporal happiness, and His revolved around obedience and trials and lead to inner joy for me and glory for Him. So now, I try to write my plans in pencil and be ready to erase as He teaches me more about my purpose as His child."
- Sharon Jacobs
(I've included my mom's testimony video she recorded for her memorial service, it's split in two parts...)
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